So this is the last part of the series of my wedding story and a good-bye. I’ve had so much fun (and lessons) from Ethical Weddings blog

Since my parents did not give their permission, we could not have an ‘unconventional’ reception. We just followed the unwritten rule: my husband and I and our parents sat at a decorated dais in the living room from 1 to 6 and no mingling with the guests and we could only drink a little water, while the guests ate as much as they wanted. That’s the unwritten rule of ‘traditional’ wedding reception in the province where we live. Most of the elements for the reception (tents, chairs, dais, outfit, etc.) were rented with golden-brown and red and white hues (though we never asked for any red). My older brother and his wife, along with a few neighbors, welcomed the guests next to the guestbook and favor table. After filling in and signing the guest book and receiving the favor (more on those on other posts), guests ate based on their choice (we had about four menu, buffet style). The eating finished, guests went to the living room (where the bride and groom sat) to congratulate both us and our parents, posed for a picture with us, put an envelope (with money inside) as a gift, then went home. Oh, again, I know, so boring At the reception, I interacted most with my husband (of course), so we still had fun. Hopefully the guests, too. At least I saw that most of my friends looked glowing while talking and eating at the guest area. They’re what mattered most, so we both had win/win situation, thank Lord Read also:

• “The Wedding: The ceremony definitely is my fav part of the day (1)”
• “The Wedding: The ceremony definitely is my fav part of the day (2)”

After I got in the mosque, I wasn’t allowed to sit next to the groom. Again, as we were not ‘official’ yet. So I sat behind my father and the Officer of Marriage Registration Office, next to my older brother.

In Islam, we are not allowed to sit in chairs inside mosques. But below, there was an exception for the officiant who sat in a plastic chair. He just got an accident, he wasn’t able to sit on the floor. This is the part when the officiant led the groom to pray first.

Behind the groom are the wedding witnesses; my uncle (in glasses) and the groom’s older brother.

Behind the photographer, we separated the rows of the women and the men, as it is the rule in our religion (you can’t see the row of men in the above photo, by the way).

And before the photographer are several boxes of the groom’s gifts for me, the bride (I’ll talk about that in another post later), as a custom in Indonesian weddings.

In Muslim weddings, it is not the officiant who has the main ‘power’ to let a bride married to the groom, but the bride’s nasab guardian (nasab = has blood relationship—father/grandfather/uncle/brother; with the father being the ‘main’ man). When a bride no longer has living paternal family members, the officiant can be the guardian.

In my case, my father has the ‘power’ to let me married in a session called ijab-qabul, while the officiant became the registrar. But before that, the officiant re-checked the bride and the groom’s readiness (both administrative and mentally) and he also gave a short wedding sermon for us.

The peak of the ceremony was the ijab-qabul:

The ijab is when my father said a line that he ‘gave’ me to the groom. The loose translation would be something pretty much like “[Insert groom's full name], in the name of Allah [the way Muslims call God], I let you married to [insert bride's full name], with the dowry in term of [insert what the groom gave the bride as the dowry or mahar, for example a gold ring], cash.” (this line and the groom’s line below were given by the officiant weeks before the wedding, when Mr. H and I visited the Marriage Registration Office to attend the pre-marital advice session)

And the qabul is when the groom responded with something pretty much like “I take the marriage of [insert bride's full name] your daughter, with the dowry in term of [insert the dowry], cash.”

The two witnesses have the right to determine whether or not the ijab-qabul is ‘valid’. They judge that based on the clarity of the guardian and the groom’s voice and words. In some weddings, either the guardian or the groom have to repeat the ijab-qabul for several times when they uttered it unclear or if the words aren’t as the same as what the officiant tell. So, this is really a serious stuff.

After the witnesses declared that the ijab-qabul A Mighty Wind hd was valid, Mr. H and I i became husband and wife, and then the officiant led everyone to pray.

I was allowed to take over my father’s seat before my husband and the officant led the groom to utter words in giving me the dowry (you can see what the dowry is by seeing the red heart-shaped box on the small table in front of us). I was also led by the officiant to respond the husband’s words in receiving the dowry. After that, my husband put the ring (yup, that’s the dowry) in my right wedding finger (no, not left, and no, I didn’t put a ring in his finger—but more about this on another post).

In Muslim weddings, after the marriage ceremony was done, the husband uttered/read and signed the taklik talak (sighat taklik), a kind of vow (the line of the vow is as exact same as the one stipulated on the marriage certificate) in which my husband promised before me to treat me with love, and that if he abandoned me in any ways I had the right to report him to the court, etc.

The next tradition is for the bride and groom to do sungkem to the elders and immediate family members (parents, brothers, in-laws, uncles, aunts, etc.). I don’t know how to translate ‘sungkem‘, but it’s when we ask for both blessing and forgiveness from the elders and the people we respect to.

Below is me, doing sungkem to my mother:

Me, doing sungkem Death Wish on dvd to my mother-in-law and my husband to his aunt:

The ceremony was ended with the symbolic giving of the groom’s gifts to the bride, done by each side of the family’s representation (on the left is my neighbor and on the right is my husband’s cousin):

Still more stories to come

It is a common thing in my city, Pontianak, to have the groom came to the ceremony site right from his family residence. He actually only rented three cars, but it turned out that more members of the family joined with their own vehicles.

Another common thing is that the groom and his family must walk a little bit to the ceremony site. The little mosque that was designated as our ceremony site has a huge parking lot, but since the groom’s group had to walk, they parked farther.

This is them, getting ready to walk a few hundred meters or so, and that’s the groom, wearing all white (I’ll talk about the outfits on another post):

Maybe you don’t see clearly, but the guys in blue with pink Malay sarong behind the groom and who are holding tambourines were from a traditional tambourine group or something (I don’t know the term) that my husband rented only for that occasion. It is a custom for grooms to be accompanied by sounds of tambourines
when they come to the wedding ceremony site.

And the two decorated wooden sticks behind (those are actually Boy Scout sticks) are traditional decorations in weddings. A pineapple is embed at the top of the big stick and smaller sticks already decorated with colored papers are embed in the pineapple. Children attending the ceremony took them to play with, but I don’t know what happened with the pineapple. Eaten, maybe?

Below is the scene where my family and neighbors welcomed the groom and his family in the mosque next to my parents’ house:

You can see there are two guys from the groom’s side bringing in another kind of traditional wedding decor. They are called egg trees, as eggs (boiled ones, still with the shells) are embed in each of the fake flower stem stuck in a stick. Children and adult took them until nothing was left except the place of the trees. They are made from velvet wrapped plant pots and sticks (my husband asked someone to make them, and later we found out that it would be rented to another groom, and to the next groom, and the cycle goes on).

You can also see in the above picture, there’s my aunt next to the mosque pillar holding a bowl containing yellow rice. It is a custom in weddings in my country to welcome the groom and his family by tossing yellow rice (usually the rice is colored with turmeric). I don’t know what happened then with the tossed rice, but as far as I noticed, the complex was always full of birds. So hopefully, birds ate those rice.

While all those scenes happened, I was still ‘hidden’ in the house, waiting until I was called. So yes, the ceremony was started without me. This is a usual thing in Muslim weddings, as a gesture that we’re not yet ‘official’ as husband and wife. But when the groom was about to take the marriage of the bride, my step mom (in blue gown below) and my sister-in-law (in white and holding her daughter) came to pick me up to the mosque. My two good friends who accompanied me since I was getting ready, helped me with the long batik skirt. I actually hoped for something more dramatic in my walking to the mosque, but well then, this was also fine

In part 2 of this post, I’ll talk about how the ceremony went on. I didn’t say “I do” and neither the groom did. Well, we said something else. Stay tuned

[The first two photos were taken by our professional photographer, the last one by the bride's friend]

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Starting Monday, Mr. H and I stopped meeting each other, just like the pingitan tradition I mentioned before. We still kept in touch through text, though.

Few people started staying at our home to prepare everything, especially the food. We didn’t hire any catering service for the wedding, so it took several women (mostly friends of my step mother’s) to do the cooking. Not to mention that we had tens of men from the complex to pray for the wedding on Wednesday evening.

On Thursday, the tent was built right in front of the house.

This is how it looked like on the D day:

No digging or anything needed to build the tent, so no soil was hurt. And the tent and stuff (the poles, the tarpaulins, the fabrics) were used many times by many prior couples, so definitely green, I suppose?

On the following day, the living room and a bedroom for the newlyweds were decorated. Here’s where my husband and I sat for hours during the reception (the decor in our borrowed-parents’ bedroom used the same wall fabrics):

Just like the tent, this kind of decor was previously used by many couples getting married before us (really, I’ve seen a lot like it), so it’s green, huh Only the small palm trees were real, while the flowers were all fake. The chairs on the left and right were for our parents. And the two boxes you see before the couple chair are the boxes for guests to put in their envelopes (what’s inside the envelopes? Money. Unfortunately, it’s no longer common for Indonesian people to give real gifts for newlyweds. Oh, and just so you know,  the money is the bride’s parents’ right to use).

At first, my husband requested bamboo-based decor for the dais in the living room, but the makeup artist (who also handled the decor) thought that it didn’t fit our small living room, so well… this is what we got, yet we liked its simplicity. The tables for the food were also rented from the makeup artist’s team. But guess no one really listened to me (or they simply forgot): I requested brown hues with a little touch of green, but they gave brown hues with a little touch of maroon red. Still, I liked it. No need to sweat on the small stuff

More stories to come

[The first three photos were taken by the bride, and the last two by the groom and the bride's friends]

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I can’t call my wedding green or ethical, but I did and still do learn massive lessons from it. A series of posts about my wedding will soon come. Thanks

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Makeup

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At first, I wanted my own friend to do the make up, but of course my parents did not let me. Okay, then I surveyed four makeup artists in town with the help of two of my good friends (I don’t have precise addresses of other makeup artists near the regency I live in).

I had anticipated that all makeup artists would be just the exact same—they would make your face really white (no idea how much face powder they need) and very red lipstick for your lips and very bright color for your eye lids. Really, I’ve been to many weddings and involved in a few weddings, so I know.

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Apparently I found one that isn’t the exact same. This makeup artist is—I found out later—quite famous in town and other areas. From a wedding of a friend (in which she was the makeup artist) and from her photos, I suppose she’s quite nice and light in doing makeup for weddings. I told my parents that I chose this person, but my parents thought that she wasn’t in their price range.

So my step mom picked her own friend who is also a makeup artist. From several sample photos I was shown to (I haven’t met her in person), my mind was back to the original thought: almost all makeup artists here are just the same (and I don’t need to explain again why).

Although I know I my words might not be taken too seriously, I still gave my step mom ‘instructions’ to remind her makeup artist friend to do the makeup lightly, to not ‘harm’ my eye brows by shaping them excessively, bla, bla, bla.

Since makeup is in one package with outfits and décor, maybe it isn’t too pricey (not to mention that it is my step mom’s friend that we hire). I cannot say it’s green, since makeup artists usually use varied kinds of makeup brands and until now, I never hear anything about makeup artists that are specializing in green makeup products.

Outfits

I’ve told you that my parents were against my plan to use my own kebayas (kebaya

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is one of Indonesian traditional dresses for women and most women, especially the Javanese and Sundanese, wear this kind of outfit for their weddings and other formal occasions).

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So Mr. H and I will wear two outfits (for the ceremony and the reception—Indonesian weddings ‘dictate’ you to wear different outfits for each parts of the day) that are rented from the makeup artist’s service company.

Most brides here think that, as wedding ceremony is such a sacred occasion in life, they’re not supposed to wear rented outfit. I don’t know, maybe they’re afraid that they would have the same kind of married life as the bride that used the outfit before them.

But I don’t care. That one who used the rented outfit prior to me has nothing to do with what kind of marriage I’m going to have.

I decided to use Sundanese outfits for both occasions (I wanted to have a few of the traditions integrated as well in the ceremony, but it would be expensive and would consume pretty much time); white for the ceremony and brown for the reception. Well, my step mom insistently chose gold rather than brown and she decided that Mr. H and I should wear the Sundanese outfits only for the ceremony, not for the reception.

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I haven’t been contacted again to see the real outfits to choose from, so nothing much to talk about.

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Ceremony site

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Jezebel’s Kiss ipod After changing the site without my knowledge, my father decided to change his mind, to my very surprise. I didn’t ask why, I just felt winning

So the mosque next to my parents’ house will be. We never mention anything about decorating it, so maybe it won’t be decorated. The lime green and light gray colors of the inside walls are already beautiful, I love them. Those colors are adequate to me.

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My family live in a complex with about 200 households, so the mosque is for public, particularly for us who live in the complex. I suppose we could use it for free. But I don’t really know about the regulation. My father is the one who takes care of the permission.

Still, I’m very certain it doesn’t cost significantly.

Reception venue

No change. Still my parents’ house. The living room will be transformed into my and my husband-to-be’s ‘throne’. It is a common thing for Indonesian weddings to have couples sit still for hours in a kind of dais with parents next to them. What do we do? Sit and watch guests eat, then stand up to shake people’s hands and get our picture captured together.

I know. That kind of wedding doesn’t really have character (even boring). But there’s nothing I can do anymore to have another way round.

No expense in using the house as the reception venue, except maybe additional expenditure for extra power/electricity.

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Tents

Rented tents will be set right in front of the house (it is normal for weddings in my country to transform the road before their houses into a guests area). I don’t know what kind of tents my parents rented. I’ve told them that I wanted brown hues with a touch of green, but they never said anything to me about their choice on tents. Oh, let it be.

Amos & Andrew download There’s one tent rental service near the complex where we live, but my parents didn’t like the tents offered there. They then opted to choose the most famous tent rental service downtown (we live in a regency area, the vicinity of the capital city of the West Borneo province), but apparently too expensive. I don’t really know about their last choice.

Chairs

I assume my parents will rent chairs from a police department near our place (they’ve got a connection there, so it won’t be too pricey). I have no idea whether or not they will have upholsteries for the chairs (they like the idea of glamorous wedding). It’s up to my parents now.

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Decor

All wedding makeup artists here offer the very similar packages (basically comprise makeup + rented outfits for the couple and their parents + rented décor). Even though you opt to choose only one of their offers, for instance, you still have to pay in full.

So my makeup artist will take care of the décor (when I say décor, it includes only décor for the dais and for the food tables—that’s the common offer).

To my surprise, my parents let me and Mr. H chose the dais by ourselves. But we got to choose only from a small number of options (and only from photos). I actually don’t want any of the options, as I think the décor is just too much, but I can’t choose to do that.

Mr. H preferred a dais with dark-colored bamboo background and I followed his choice to make things simpler.

I can’t get the very simple whole décor I always dreamed of, but at least the tents, chairs, and dais are rented. Using rented things is green, isn’t it?

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I know you shouldn’t wave that white flag before you use your own blood to bathe, but really I’m kind of tired presenting hundreds of simple, inexpensive, ethical suggestions and none of my loved ones even listened! I can understand if they won’t let me ‘embarrass’ myself by realizing my dream of an ethical wedding, but at least I want them to listen to me. Not to simply what I utter, but to the reasons of why all this matters to me. Well, you can’t choose your ideal family, can you?

However, I chose to have my own ‘audience’. My family won’t listen, yet maybe there are at least some that will out there, I don’t know. Being enough campaigning on ethical weddings before my family, I moved to two local blogs of mine (both in Bahasa Indonesia), each focuses on the simple learning of eco-conscious lifestyle and on simple, ethical weddings.

In the next post I will review a slight progress of my wedding preparation—which remains ethical and which don’t.lady gaga just dance song

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I believe it’d be a gorgeous memory to be married in a holy place like a mosque, yet my parents argued that it would be a bothersome to walk to and from the mosque and our house. This mosque I’m talking about is only about two meters across the window of my bedroom and they talked about being bothered by the distance!

Another reason why I’m so inclined to have the mosque as the ceremony site is because it can accommodate a quite big amount of guests (in most weddings in my country, only certain people are invited to the ceremony—close neighbors, the elders in the family, and close friends—while you can invite anyone you wish for the reception, including the ones you have invited to the ceremony). I can envision that as we’re inside the mosque, I suppose that my parent’s house (the reception venue) could be ‘safe’ without any disturbance on the already-arranged décor, chairs, and stuff.

My parents suggested the ceremony to be held at our living room (where the dais—on which the bridal couple and their parents sit—will be placed), while the rest of the large spaces at the house are left for family’s private uses. Our living room isn’t so big and with the dais built, you can count how many people can really fit in there. As the consequence, guests have to sit at the front yard and won’t have access to clearly see and observe how the ceremony goes on (this would be the silliest wedding ceremony I’ve ever experienced in my life—and at my own wedding!).

Well, in my country, your wedding is your family’s event (not really yours), so no matter how hard you argue and debate, your words are not really counted *sigh*.

About 4 months to go and I got a motorcycle accident one evening, a few days ago. So long now to beautiful chin and leg (although I wear hijab/headscarf as a Moslem woman, so bruises on my foot are no big deal).

Poor thing, I know. Even so, I’m so much grateful that the accident happened long before my wedding day (I consider 4 months and 3 weeks as “still long” ) instead of, I don’t know, a week before or so.

This reminds me of a bridal tradition in my country called ‘pingitan’. I have no idea what better English term for that is, but I can tell you that it’s quite an interesting tradition. I think it’s originally practiced by the Javanese, but later people of other tribes carry out the tradition as well.

During one week before the wedding day (this one-week process is what we call pingitan), the brides and grooms are not allowed to meet each other, and the bride-to-be is not permitted to go out of the house. She’s not even allowed to meet non-family members, although in the said house (usually her parents’). This way is used, one of the purposes, to avoid anything unintended happen (traffic accident, for instance, like what I’ve recently experienced). It is also believed that practicing this tradition will make everybody (especially the groom) be surprised of how the bride look like on the D day (more of “How stunningly different and gorgeous she is!” kind of surprise) for they have not met for a week.

The pingitan tradition is more flexible now in this modern era, in which brides are allowed to communicate with her future spouse, even though only through phone or IM, for example. They are also tolerated to go out, as long as to non-long-distance destination and with the company of at least one family member.

I’m so very much interested to carry out this tradition (although I’m originally a Sundanese, not Javanese), yet it seems that Mr. H isn’t. I know this tradition is not a critical or a principal thing, so to practice it or not wouldn’t be a problem, but I want each of us to be surprised on our D day Oh well, we’ll figure that out later.