Pity the poor bride who relies on such lists to create the perfect big day – especially if she starts planning a year in advance as most do.

Picture it: you’ve just had your dressmaker remove the sleeves from your bespoke wedding gown and make a few strategic cuts to showcase that cleavage when the next wedding mag you pick up tells you that ‘coy is in’ for 2012 and lace sleeves (a la Kate Middleton) a must.

So for those of you who are fed up of fickle fashions and just want this special day to be your day not a vision from Vogue, here is Ethical Weddings’ (completely subjective) list of what’s always hot in weddings:

Warning: This is written in the style of a ‘what’s in, what’s out’ list – normal service will be resumed for the next post!

1. Feeling special but feeling comfortable

We’re in raptures over the tailored, cream suit for today’s bride, but also loving the dramatic, red flamencoesque swishing skirts, and the traditional A-line shape that flatters the hips, and the mountainous meringue that shouts “Hey hubby, I’m here!”.

Essentially, we’re swooning over any shape, size or style that makes us feel gorgeous, happy and best of all, comfortable – ourselves but on a good day (as somebody said).

2. Vintage weddings – something old?

We’ve heard that vintage is old hat (well, it would be, wouldn’t it?) but we’re not ready to give it up that easily.

We don’t have to ram it down our guests’ throats (those 1920s feathers can tickle) but we adore the idea that our wedding has a history – that our rings celebrated love in centuries past, our stylish fascinator fascinated another blushing bride, our charity shop china has adorned countless wedding tables and will adorn countless more.

And of course we’re completely ravished by the ‘reuse, recycle’ philosophy that comes with the whole vintage shebang.

If you think vintage is still in, get your fix at one of the many vintage wedding fairs this year.

3. Not breaking the bank

We’re obviously head over heels about weddings but we’re also holding on tight to a tiny seed of common sense that says “It’s just one day”.

We’re poring over our sexy spreadsheets, borrowing as much wedding paraphernalia as we can, dabbling in a bit of crafty DIY for our table decorations and just doing our bestest to keep our white wedding in the black.

Our hard work will pay off when we’re cosied up on the sofa with our other half watching telly – rather than watching the bailiffs cart it off.

4. Loving and giving

We’re sharing this one with The Wedding Channel who flagged it up on their 2012 hot list: charity gift registries are in, reckless registries are out.

And we’re keeping it! We say charity gift lists are here to stay – if our houses are cluttered to bursting, why not make the most of our guests’ giving instincts to benefit a good cause?

5. Saying thank you (the Anti-Bridezilla)

We’re suppressing the desire to shout “It’s all about me, me, me” and instead being grateful to our nearest and dearest for their support and friendship not just on this day but over the years.

If they offer their talents, their cast-offs or their hard-earned cash to help us make our celebration that bit more special we’re accepting graciously or – if absolutely impossible to do so – declining with the utmost delicacy that leaves relationships intact and hearts warmed.

6. Getting personal

We’re reading the wedding rule book then hurling it out of the nearest window.

We’re looking to our own lives as we choose poems and vows that mean something to us, not the masses. We invite the friends and family we want (not the ones we’re supposed to) and in the way we want – by phone, by email, by smoke signal.

We’re having a go at making our own cake, dress or bouquet and cherishing the personal imperfect over the professional and immaculate.

Or maybe we’re turning up in our jeans and t-shirt with just our loyal dog as a witness – it’s our wedding and we’ll do it our way.

7. Marrying the one we love

We’re absolutely in love and we want to get married to celebrate that, tell the world and make that commitment to each other.

The rest doesn’t really matter.

Katie

What next?

• Sign up to our Ethical Weddings newsletter
• Follow us on Twitter @ethicalweddings

Or maybe, more realistically, you’re going down your mental list trying to work out which wedding TV concept remains to be pounced upon (gipsy weddings – done, grooms planning weddings – done, surplus guests giving your wedding marks out of 10 – done, big and fat weddings – done, done, done!) and whether there is anything the TV bigwigs could come up with that could possibly tempt you to take part.

Hand over the reins of your wedding planning

I’m not saying this will be the one to do it but just in case, here is the deal:

For a new Channel 5 series a major TV production company is offering to pay for one couple’s very special day. The only condition is that you hand over all responsibility to a famous, mystery wedding planner, plus they film your wedding plans and of course the wedding day itself.

I replied to the production company and said that this could only be of interest to our readers if there was the chance to have an ethical and green wedding. I added that it could give the programme something of a twist.

They responded that the couple that features in the series will be able to give the wedding planners some information about the type of wedding they want but ultimately it will be down to the celebrity to decide what kind of wedding they want to plan for the couple.

Were you to take part and make clear your ambition for a sustainable wedding I think it would come over very badly if the celebrity planner rode roughshod over this, ramped the carbon footprint up sky high and went in search of sweatshops to kit out you and your bridal party.

But it’s a very big decision to make about your big day – not one to be taken lightly.

If you do want to find out more just email: weddingplanner@renegadepictures.co.uk

Katie

Wish Upon a Wedding launched in January 2010 with the aim of giving couples facing terminal illness and other serious life-altering circumstances a wonderful wedding or vow renewal day (regardless of sexual orientation).

The organisation has already made 25 weddings happen since its launch and has many more in the pipeline.

Its original dream, however, was not just to provide the wedding but to reunite family members for this very special event as all too often this is the last time a family is together before the recipient of the Wish passes away.

For example, this might involve airfare for up to four of the Wish recipient’s family members and hotel accommodation.

So far they have not been able to raise the funds to do this.

How you can help

From 15 September to 31 October, Wish Upon a Wedding is running its second annual Bid Your Wish for Wedded Bliss, an online charity auction offering hundreds of items for couples about to be wed, with many items starting as low as $50.

Whether you’re looking for entertainment, bridalwear, a heavenly honeymoon you could find it here if you just bid.

• Take a look at the Bid Your Wish for Wedded Bliss auction here

Bid in the auction and you could find the final pieces for your perfect wedding while making someone else’s dream wedding come true too!

Founder Liz Guthrie explains the organisation’s need:

One of our couples is going to be granted a wedding soon in Ohio. The bride is currently undergoing chemotherapy, due to a variety of terminal illnesses she battles and the groom is a lymphoma cancer survivor. We are disheartened that his parents cannot afford airfare from California to attend the wedding.

Wish Upon a Wedding must secure enough funding (or donated miles) to secure airline tickets for every single Wish we grant, so that it is fair to all Recipients. It’s the only way we can ensure these families will be brought together in such situations.

Ready, steady, place those bids now!

Katie

But before we jump into the interview, a bit of background.

Brian and Jordan are the happy couple who, when it came to planning their wedding, decided to do things a little differently….

Rules of Project Priceless

The mission:
to plan and put on a wedding for ourselves that is (ideally) free-of-charge.

The method:
to invite family, friends, and community to provide the elements that will create the wedding.

Ideally, everything from dress to wedding favours will be offered, borrowed, or donated.

We are also allowed to utilize trade, whether we trade something we have for something you have, or if we can offer a good or service of our own to trade with yours.

• Read more here

The Ethical Weddings interview

Brian and Jordan celebrated their wedding on 22 August. Here’s what they had to say…

To achieve a priceless wedding:

Which traditional or ‘must-have’ wedding items and services have you decided to do without?

We started off saying that we wouldn’t have most of the traditional wedding items, i.e. cake cutting utensils, wedding rings, etc; but people offered us so many things that we ended up incorporating a lot of these traditional items in the end.

Our cake knife and server, for example, were loaned to us by another couple.

Other traditional items, we made instead of purchasing or finding pre-made: our cake topper owls, for example, we made by hand.

Our guestbook was simply a copy of ‘Where the Wild Things Are‘- the first book I ever gave to Brian. We had guests write all over inside the book.

Which items have you been able to source second-hand – are there any that are particularly special for being second-hand (or pre-loved shall we say?) Any great stories behind the items you have sourced?

Tablecloths: The tablecloths were a total surprise. We’d put the word out on freecycling groups that we needed tablecloths, and had asked for white ones, figuring it’d be too hard to find any in a colour we were using.

Shortly, a former bride wrote to us and said she had forty lovely tablecloths if we were willing to be flexible on the colour. Turns out, they are the exact shade of green we were using for the whole wedding!

Buttons: In the middle of each taffeta flower on my wedding gown, you’ll see a few buttons sewn on.

These buttons were donated to us by various blog readers from their own home button jars.

Once this idea came to me, there was no other dress I wanted to have.

It was like having little good luck charms sewn all over my dress!

Centrepieces: Our centrepieces were almost entirely recycled.

To make them up we used:

• old cans
• buttons
• liquor bottles
• broken clocks

In the end, all 25 centrepieces cost us only $3.00 – TOTAL, not each!

For my bride’s gift to Brian, I wanted to find an antique pocketwatch, but ended up not having to look far: my father asked if I would gift Brian with his very own.

Not exactly ‘recycling’ but definitely second-hand…even third, fourth, or fifth-hand now.

A wedding archway: We also made something second-hand happen on the day of our wedding: a local carpentry business called CRL Construction gave us our archway for the wedding, making it just for us; when we saw it at the venue (Stanley’s Maple Farm in Russell) we realized we couldn’t take it home…it looked perfect just where it was.

We asked Stanley’s if they’d like to keep it and have other couples marry under it, and they were thrilled. I’m sad it’s not in my backyard but it feels good to share the wealth. Chris from CRL Construction thought the idea was wonderful, too. It was a touching gesture for everyone.

Which items have you borrowed and from whom? How do you feel about giving them back after the big day?

The borrowed items like our cake cutting set, our wishing well, and our LED tea lights are all gone (or going) back to their owners now…and that’s totally okay. I have lots of little things around the house to remember the wedding by, and by the time everything’s been sent home, I will have way less junk to store away than most brides do.

We also posted an ad and freecycled all our tablecloths and reuseable decorations a few days after the wedding, so except for a few choice items (like our cake topper, some feathers, etc), we tried to pass everything along to other people attempting to avoid the wedding industry machine.

And finally:

What perspective has this process given you on the wedding industry?

This wedding has helped me realize that the wedding industry is, indeed, money-driven.

Every wedding show on TV, every wedding magazine and most wedding books are all about telling a couple what they need to procure for their big day to ‘make it a wedding’.

This is so unfortunate.

When we first started planning, we decided that the only mandatory things for our day were:

• an officiant
• a cake
• a fancy dress

The rest is just stuff we’ve been told we need, but none of it makes a wedding.

In the end, the community and local businesses got very excited about the wedding and we ended up with lots of those ‘extras’ like wedding favours and bouquets…but some things fell through, and we didn’t fret about it, because we remembered our mantra of ‘An officiant, a cake, and a fancy dress’.

Our story has been carried by a huge number of papers, television stations, and radio shows, but no one from the traditional bridal industry has come anywhere near us.

I think we threaten their very existence – both with our clever upcycling, and also with our clever marketing of our vendors (at far less cost to the businesses) through our blog’s word-of-mouth.

Has the project made you think about what we need and don’t need in more general terms? Will you carry on buying second-hand, borrowing, looking for freebies, doing without in your married life?

We were already huge upcyclers and freecyclers, but this project was really strict and we were always under a microscope, so it taught us to really commit to the concept.

We will indeed be continuing on, starting a Phase II to our blog in a couple weeks, tentatively called Project: Priceless – The Newlywed Edition.

We’re going to blog the first year of marriage, including home makeover, learning to cook, and other ‘nesting’ behaviours, and we’re going to stick to the Project: Priceless model of keeping costs low, upcycling, and trading for services.

A big thank you to Brian and Jordan for taking the time to tell us more about their project. We wish them all the best as they begin their ‘priceless’ married life together.

• Keep up with their news at projectpriceless.blogspot.com

Many thanks also to their photographers for the wonderful photos. Credits from top as follows:

Photo 1: Adam Pap
Photo 2: Aiden Wolf Photography
Photo 3: Laura Elizabeth Photography
Photo 4: Laura Elizabeth Photography
Photo 5: Aiden Wolf Photography

Katie

Reading these tales of knot-tying on the sly – some defiant, some joyful, some tinged with regret – it occurred to me that they were probably among the greenest weddings you could hope to find.

The couples formalised their union with the minimum of fuss: no expensive dress, no multitudes of guests waiting to be fed and watered, just a simple jaunt to the registry office with 2 witnesses – job done!

Often, when we’re telling someone about the ideas behind Ethical Weddings, these are the type of wedding stories our listener will wave triumphantly in our faces in the manner of a barrister brandishing the undeniable evidence of ‘Exhibit A’.

“Ha!” (he or she will probably say) “But isn’t the most ethical wedding just a registry office and 2 witnesses? No cake, no dress, no guests, no bridesmaids, no groomsmen, no flowers, no gift lists?” (and so on and so on).

And we would have to say: yes.  Certainly when it comes to their impact on the planet, these weddings are very low-carbon indeed.

So why Ethical Weddings?

But we think, or hope, that Ethical Weddings still has a role to play.  We’re here to share ideas and advice with couples who have already decided that they do want a get-together with family and friends to celebrate their marriage.  The question they are then asking us is how they can do that in the fairest, most eco-friendly way.

What can they recycle? What can they find second-hand? What can they give away again after the day? And how can they have a positive impact too – for example, buying a Fairtrade wedding ring that could benefit an artisan in Columbia?

If you’re having a no-fuss, just-the-2-of-you wedding, we salute you – you’re doing your bit for the planet too.

If you’re throwing a bit more of a party, we’re over here.  Ready to share our tips and ideas – and hopefully some of yours too!

Happy planning,

Katie

I’d like to share my ideas with you – brides and grooms trying to plan a wedding less ordinary – and see what you think.  How has it been for you?  What have been the challenges? What have been the triumphs? If you were starting again, would you go for a green wedding again?

Have a read… and let us have your comments.  Here goes:

Back in 2004 when we were planning our own wedding and planting the first seeds for the Ethical Weddings website we asked people what they thought of the idea of a green or ethical wedding (limiting environmental impact, choosing products and services that give something back: fair trade, organic, local). The usual response was: won’t that be more expensive?

Fast forward 5 years and into one deep, dark recession you’d expect that misconception to have landed the green wedding squarely in the compost bin.

Not so. Because the bevy of ethical brides and green grooms who have trod lightly down the aisle since have shown us that if you’re after a green wedding less really is more. It’s a perfect match for the make do and mend spirit revived by our current crunch.
As we all cut back, the big star-for-a-day, broke-ever-after wedding is going down.

Something borrowed

There’s no longer any shame in sharing (something borrowed?) or secondhand – just type ‘wedding’ into your local Freecycle site and you’ll find brides and mothers-of seeking and offering wedding gowns, bridesmaid dress patterns, cake stands, and more. And don’t forget the rage for all things vintage which makes a charity shop wedding gown the ultimate in eco chic.

DIY weddings

In the effort to curb costs, couples discover doing-it-yourself can be a lot of fun and bring family and friends together. Blogger brides on the Ethical Weddings website suggest tips on everything from grow-your-own bridal flowers to cooking up the wedding breakfast. As Henriette says of catering for her 40-guest wedding:

“It was all down to good planning (yes, I had made a spreadsheet!) and choosing food which could nearly all be made a day in advance. […] it was a great success with food far better than we ever would have been able to pay for if we had hired caterers. And it was a lovely thing for our families to do together.”

Meanwhile, Jenny grew daffs, crocuses and primroses in her garden. These “…made great table and floor decorations which are living on in gardens and conservatories.”

Green brides don’t mind getting their hands dirty!

Ethical and green wedding experts

DIY done, it’s time to turn to the growing number of ethical and green wedding specialists for your nuptial needs – whether that’s organic, handcrafted chocolate favours, a pre-loved, re-fashioned wedding dress or perhaps a rickshaw to get you to the church on time. They won’t add ££s at the whisper of the word ‘wedding’ but will work with your budget to help create the wedding of your dreams without compromising your values.

Loving local

Support local suppliers too – even if they’re not yet waving the green flag. You may find them willing to consider fresh ideas in difficult times. Ethical Weddings blogger, Emma says:

“We’ve found that so many people are willing to change details of their standard products to fit in with our ethics – you just need to ask. Joy [wedding cake maker] is a great example. She’d been wanting to “go ethical” and just needed someone to ask her to do it.

A wedding to remember

It seems the slump has made us more careful about if and how we use our hard-earned cash. We’re getting down with DIY and spending with businesses that share our values. The payoff? A more personal and memorable day for us and a little something back for our poor put-upon planet.

The green wedding is here to stay!

Katie

From the very first page, I was pretty sceptical that you could have a decent wedding for the tiny amounts that readers had testified to.  A wedding of your dreams for $1500!!!!

Before I read it, I could probably guess at some of the tips – do everything yourself – but I was hoping for some tips on how to reduce some of the little things that add up.

We are in the middle of planning our wedding (in four months time) and from the beginning I was shocked at the amounts that people spend on their wedding.

Since that day to now, my tune has definitely changed.  Firstly because everything costs WAAAY more than you expect.  And secondly because you start falling in love with things like venues, outfits, bands etc. I was determined to do everything myself, but as time went on, I decided to weigh money against sanity… and my sanity often won out.

The Last Days of Disco rip

download The Princess Bride

So, to the book.

There are lots and lots of valuable (American) links to specific sites for planning tools, dresses, favours, honeymoon etc. I clicked on a few of them and they look good but I’m not sure how closely they’ve vetted the websites or if they are specifically low cost ones. They also include a handy global directory for other countries as a starting point if you are not based in America.

I think the ebook would look more professional with better pictures and more consistent branding throughout. The layout isn’t always helpful, with all the links up front, and then the story of Tim and Lisa’s own wedding in the middle.

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nomad online download

Having said that, there is some great stuff in here for those who are pulling their hair out not knowing where to start.

Planning

The section about budgeting is handy if you have little experience of budgeting. It’s a nice and simple step by step explanation of what a wedding budget is and how to account for line items.  It also gives a list of what items go into wedding planning.

I skimmed this part because professionally I’ve done budgeting in my job, so I actually had a budget in place before we even got engaged (which I then “shared” with my new fiancé!).  I realise this won’t be the case for everyone though so if the thought of setting a budget scares you – read this section!

Why get married?

The next part asks you to write down why you are getting married. This is definitely a good reminder, as it can easily get out of proportion.

They even ask the hard question, do you really want to get married? Ouch – imagine breaking that to your fiancé after reading this book!

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There’s also some good advice here on your wedding “must haves” early in the planning.

The good stuff

About 70 pages in we find the really good stuff.  A fantastic chapter about “Elegance and Effectiveness”. This is great advice because when planning a wedding it’s easy to think that everything needs extra flourish, every piece of furniture at the wedding needs a flower, and everything has to match.

This reminded me that everything we spend money on has to contribute to the elegance of the occasion, not just because that’s what “weddings should have”.

Money

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Who should pay for the wedding? There’s a handy list of who pays for what “traditionally” and some tips for different approaches. This is personally a bit of a minefield in weddings, so any advice for couples is much appreciated.

They even introduce the concept of having a sponsored wedding, which intrigued me. They have detailed advice on how to approach this if it’s for you (not for me, but FABULOUS idea!).

More palatable to most people is the idea of identifying people in your network who can help you with their talents or services for little or no fee.  Once again, they offer practical step by step advice.

Lastly, they offer some ideas of which parts you could do yourself, from taking courses in flower arranging, to doing your own invitations and other crafty bits and pieces.

download A Lawyer Walks Into a Bar… Throughout this money section, the authors give concrete examples of how they funded different parts of their own wedding as well as bargain tips, such as getting a dress from ebay, going to garage sales and checking classified ads for second hand wedding stuff.

Most of this will be common sense but it was a good reminder – especially as common sense can go out of the window when it comes to weddings! What was particularly useful were the tips to think outside the box – not everything has to be specifically for a wedding because that usually carries a big price tag – just search a little more. These tips include looking at cheaper times or dates for the day. This is probably not something that you would immediately think about.

Driven to Kill movie

A good ‘how to’ guide

Overall, I would invest in this book if you feel you just don’t know where to start – particularly around planning and budgeting.

• Tunnel Rats download

If you are seriously on a budget but don’t have time to start scouring the net for money-saving ideas, then it would also really help you. I did get some good tips from this book and I think others would too.

Thanks Denise! As well as being an Ethical Weddings blogger bride, Denise runs Raw Brides – intrigued? Find out more at www.rawbrides.com

Katie

Chat with other green grooms and ethical brides in the Ethical Weddings Forum