Seasonal wedding flowers

The church was beautiful, we found a florist who was a friend of my parents, and who was sympathetic to our green ideas.

She sourced flowers and greenery as seasonally as possible, including some raided from my parents’ garden the previous day (!), and also made up some planters of growing flowers and herbs that we took away to keep afterwards.  The results were stunning.

A very personal wedding ceremony

Our church wedding was fantastic too.  As we are both Christians, the spiritual aspect of marriage was really important to us, so getting married in church was particularly special.

The service was wonderful – our friend and university chaplain led the service so he was able to tailor it to us quite a lot (his address to the congregation after the marriage involved Bagpuss!) – and as there is quite a lot of choice about what wording to use for the marriage service, and which readings (Bible or not) and music to use, the whole thing felt very personal.

We entered the church to the Beatles’ ‘Here comes the sun’ in the end, very happy! We involved friends and family in leading the readings, prayers and music too, which was lovely.  We exchanged wedding rings from Cred (who really impressed us), and our little ‘engagement ring’ trees made it along to the church too as decorations.  And we made our own service sheets (using Evolve recycled printer paper), including our story in them.

Snap happy guests

After the ceremony we did a big photo session in the pretty churchyard, with my keen amateur photographer uncle doing the ‘posed’ photos, and the rest of our photos taken by the guests who then posted their digital photos on to us.

It worked out really well, despite what you hear about how you must get in a professional.  With so many people doing your photos you are bound to have a fantastic selection of shots, and they covered different groups of guests, as well as getting some fantastic informal pics to add to the posed ones.

Homemade confetti

We had made our own confetti the previous summer, by drying rose petals in the oven and storing them in warm, dark and dry boxes. We decorated the boxes we stored it in with some shiny red paper from Oxfam (again – they did well out of us!) to make pretty serving boxes to pass round for guests to pick out handfuls from.  And it was so beautiful, the colours were preserved really well.

The cherry tree in the churchyard decided to add to our confetti and showered us with blossom as soon as we stepped out of the church, which was VERY cute.  It made a wonderful backdrop to the photos too.

Love,

Helen and Mike

Makeup

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At first, I wanted my own friend to do the make up, but of course my parents did not let me. Okay, then I surveyed four makeup artists in town with the help of two of my good friends (I don’t have precise addresses of other makeup artists near the regency I live in).

I had anticipated that all makeup artists would be just the exact same—they would make your face really white (no idea how much face powder they need) and very red lipstick for your lips and very bright color for your eye lids. Really, I’ve been to many weddings and involved in a few weddings, so I know.

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Apparently I found one that isn’t the exact same. This makeup artist is—I found out later—quite famous in town and other areas. From a wedding of a friend (in which she was the makeup artist) and from her photos, I suppose she’s quite nice and light in doing makeup for weddings. I told my parents that I chose this person, but my parents thought that she wasn’t in their price range.

So my step mom picked her own friend who is also a makeup artist. From several sample photos I was shown to (I haven’t met her in person), my mind was back to the original thought: almost all makeup artists here are just the same (and I don’t need to explain again why).

Although I know I my words might not be taken too seriously, I still gave my step mom ‘instructions’ to remind her makeup artist friend to do the makeup lightly, to not ‘harm’ my eye brows by shaping them excessively, bla, bla, bla.

Since makeup is in one package with outfits and décor, maybe it isn’t too pricey (not to mention that it is my step mom’s friend that we hire). I cannot say it’s green, since makeup artists usually use varied kinds of makeup brands and until now, I never hear anything about makeup artists that are specializing in green makeup products.

Outfits

I’ve told you that my parents were against my plan to use my own kebayas (kebaya

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is one of Indonesian traditional dresses for women and most women, especially the Javanese and Sundanese, wear this kind of outfit for their weddings and other formal occasions).

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So Mr. H and I will wear two outfits (for the ceremony and the reception—Indonesian weddings ‘dictate’ you to wear different outfits for each parts of the day) that are rented from the makeup artist’s service company.

Most brides here think that, as wedding ceremony is such a sacred occasion in life, they’re not supposed to wear rented outfit. I don’t know, maybe they’re afraid that they would have the same kind of married life as the bride that used the outfit before them.

But I don’t care. That one who used the rented outfit prior to me has nothing to do with what kind of marriage I’m going to have.

I decided to use Sundanese outfits for both occasions (I wanted to have a few of the traditions integrated as well in the ceremony, but it would be expensive and would consume pretty much time); white for the ceremony and brown for the reception. Well, my step mom insistently chose gold rather than brown and she decided that Mr. H and I should wear the Sundanese outfits only for the ceremony, not for the reception.

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I haven’t been contacted again to see the real outfits to choose from, so nothing much to talk about.

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I know you shouldn’t wave that white flag before you use your own blood to bathe, but really I’m kind of tired presenting hundreds of simple, inexpensive, ethical suggestions and none of my loved ones even listened! I can understand if they won’t let me ‘embarrass’ myself by realizing my dream of an ethical wedding, but at least I want them to listen to me. Not to simply what I utter, but to the reasons of why all this matters to me. Well, you can’t choose your ideal family, can you?

However, I chose to have my own ‘audience’. My family won’t listen, yet maybe there are at least some that will out there, I don’t know. Being enough campaigning on ethical weddings before my family, I moved to two local blogs of mine (both in Bahasa Indonesia), each focuses on the simple learning of eco-conscious lifestyle and on simple, ethical weddings.

In the next post I will review a slight progress of my wedding preparation—which remains ethical and which don’t.lady gaga just dance song

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, just like most moms of Indonesian weddings are. One of the evidence, you may wonder, is her ‘magical’ words “Just shut up and let me take care of the wedding prep” every time I suggest something (well, that’s not the exact line, but more or less). I mean, I’m one of the two main actors in this wedding, so don’t I have the right to include my ‘taste’ as well?

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Now that I’ve been too familiar with her ‘mantra’, I just stop suggesting anything to my step mom. One of the reasons is also because I don’t really get along with her, in terms of communication.  We never talk, unless there’s something to talk about. And by ‘talk’, I don’t mean “Let’s talk about my wedding dress, dear step mom. What do you think if I use my own dress?”

talk, but more like “Where’s the sugar?” talk. Seriously. I mentioned that I used to suggest a few ethical elements for my wedding to her, but that’s only if my dad is around (technically, I talked to my dad, but she’s the one who answered for him).

Meet the Parents For the past few months, I surveyed for and prepare several things, mostly by myself (with the help of Mr. H two of my good friends). And guess what, I’m guessing that my step mom has her own plan as well for my wedding. And we just never talk. Really, this has never been a situation I dream of. It now feels like a competition or something. Or even a crime. You may suggest me to try to keep talking to her and be patient, but I don’t want to. I’ve tried that, and the “Just shut up and let me take care of the wedding prep” has always been the reaction. I just want to get married, nicely.

Wedding outfits—let’s fight again
Apparently Mr. H, as I do, doesn’t really agree with most of my stepmom’s ‘conventional’ ideas in regards to our wedding. He kept telling me that, unfortunately, numerous Indonesian couples usually have to eventually do what their parents want them to do in their wedding day. Okay, I get it. But what I want to say is that we decided to try to talk again with my stepmom, explaining to her that having only one wedding outfit for each of us (for both the ceremony and reception) would be the better option we desire, etc., etc. My stepmom is a seamstress, so she intended to make my wedding kebaya (the traditional/national dress in Indonesia), while I wanted to wear everything that I already have, but we’ll see later.

Invitations—almost ethical and DIY
After perusing some pictures of invitations I like from the internet, we made our final choice to model this one below (I apologize that I can’t mention the source, as I no longer remember from which website I found it), but we’re going to use only one paper (instead of three pieces like pictured beneath) and one ribbon (and maybe plus a small piece of paper on the back, containing the map that shows routes to my parent’s home as the reception location). We plan to buy the papers only and then print everything using my HP printer. My country has not yet familiar with vegetable-based printer ink, so no such thing as that is produced in mass, and we’re just using the conventional kind of ink.

Favors—this is ethical, I suppose
We came to a decision to donate a portion of money (his money) to a local environmental organization (we haven’t decided which organization) in our guests’ honours. We plan to ask the concerning organization to make a kind of ‘receipt’ or something (or we will) that will be given to the guests when they come to our reception. I actually have proposed this donating idea since months ago, so I’m glad that he lastly agrees.

Groom’s gifts—bring this topic back
Earlier, I said that Mr. H and I made an agreement not to have any kind of gifts (seserahan/antaran—goods given by the groom to the bride when he proposes formally and when groom and family first come to the ceremony location, to be used by the bride at and/or after the wedding, such as clothes, cosmetics, toiletries, shoes, cakes, cookies, etc.). But apparently both sides of our parents insist us to have at least a few. So, in order not to burden Mr. H, I request goods that can be used by both of us after we get married—one springbed, one cupboard, one stove, one pan, one wok, toiletries (for both of us), and several other that are still in plan.

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In regards to outfits, for example, it’s a common knowledge in my country that brides and grooms, on their wedding day, ‘have to’ change different clothes at least twice (once for the ceremony and once for the reception—but numerous couples even change their outfits three times on the reception alone). I have suggested my parents (or in this case, my stepmom, as she is ‘the boss’ now in holding our wedding) every simple idea I have regarding to wedding outfit, but each one is always responded skeptically. Not to mention my simple consideration on the projected décor, etc, etc. Rejected, rejected, rejected. As if my brain contained only foolish thoughts, and none of brilliant ones had ever existed.

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The result so far? I spent at least two days and two nights weeping alone, thinking that no one seems care enough about what I have in mind. And it’s a kind of torture, realizing that I won’t have a really meaningful wedding I’ve been dreaming of (well, except for the fact that I’m marrying the man I love, who, unfortunately, seems like he has given up on my family’s ‘conventional’ ideas).

But as many environmentalists say, going a little bit green is better than not at all. A wedding isn’t just about outfits and décor. I still have other things to fight for relating to my wedding. It’s MY wedding, anyway. So yes, I’m not giving up. If in the end, the truth speaks differently, at least I’ll have a good sleep, knowing that I have pulled my butt off.

At least in early July we had the ‘official’ marriage-proposal from Mr. Husband-to-be’s family. Well, he did propose to my father in early January (and my religion actually considers the one done by the concerning man is already an ‘official’ proposal), but it is customary in my country that the man’s family have to come as well to meet the future bride’s family. Even though my religion doesn’t recognize such thing as an engagement between a man and a woman, most people here regard this kind of ceremonial proposing thing as an engagement party or something.

Traditionally, heaps of things must be done for the proposal ceremony. There’s a practice in my country in which the man’s family (this could mean ten or more family members) come to the woman’s family’s residence to get to know each other ‘formally’. Each family usually has one person to act as the representative ‘spokesperson’ in the ceremony. And normally, both sides of family will talk also about the exact ‘when’. What’s more, our tradition here dictates us to have this ‘gift-giving’ thing. We call it seserahan or antaran, that—to my knowledge—symbolize something, but I just don’t know what it is exactly. The gifts (‘gift’ isn’t really the right term, as there’s the actual gift for the wedding called mahar, but I can’t think of another label) are commonly rings (sometimes for both the engagement and the wedding), fabrics for the couple’s wedding reception outfit, toiletries, shoes, etc. Above and beyond, the woman’s family has to serve meals (a lot of them) for all the guests.

Mr. H (not for ‘husband’, but his initial is H) and I… (drum roll)… chose to skip most of the things mentioned beforehand.

Ten or more family members—(not) checked.
Mr. H’s immediate family members live in another city (Jakarta, which is across the ocean, just so you know—and plane tickets are expensive), so only his mother and one of his sisters came, plus his two cousins who live in Pontianak. Most of my family live in Jakarta and other cities in Java Island as well, so there were only me, my dad, and my stepmom (oh, plus my baby brother). But as I’ve told initially, there were some light conflicts (or cold war, I may say) in my own family, so apparently my dad cancelled his plan to make at least ten people (although not immediate family) come to the’ceremony’.

Antaran—(not) checked.
Having a wedding, I comprehend, needs loads of cash. I’m not making money currently, so I depend on my family and Mr. H for the wedding budget. No doubt that a wedding reception sucks masses of money, so I didn’t want to add another burden for Mr. H (and my family, too, of course) to give antaran whatsoever (and I truly didn’t want anything, not even rings). My religion doesn’t bother with this antaran thing, why should we? (with all due respect to man-made tradition). Recently, my mom called and blamed Mr. H and I (she only talked to me, by the way) for not undertaking the ‘right’ procedure of the proposal ceremony. And I can assure you that even though they didn’t give any comments, my dad and stepmom must talked about this ‘outside-the-tradition’ thing behind my back.

Loads of meals for the guest—(not) checked.
My stepmom only served teas and cakes (there’s a story behind it that I can’t tell why).

The ‘when’ is finally set—(not) checked.
At first we wanted April next year, and then we changed our mind to January as it just seemed nice (and not too long). My dad kind of ‘depends’ on my one and only older brother (who lives far away from Pontianak), so he asked us to wait for my brother’s approval and everything. But even after he was here, no significant talk popped up. Until a day before he got back again to where he lives now, he told us that it was up to me to pick any month I wanted to (why didn’t he say that much earlier?).

See, slow progress. But at least, it is still called a progress.

The problem now: the two articles are too provocative. They talk about how green wedding is the trend in 2008, but they only talk about that on surface. In contrary with their humble titles, the contents are not humble at all. They suggest a sort of green theme, but not the ‘serious green’ one. For instance, they advised a venue to be decorated like a garden by having imported flowers and stuff. The point is that they emphasize their writing more on the style of the wedding itself, not how a wedding can also be one of your efforts to care about Mother Earth.

Oh, really can’t show those two to my dad.

Due to the tradition, he came to meet my father to convey his intention to marry me. But in fact, he didn’t get any apportunity to convey it in a ‘formal speech’, since my dad, without warning, brought about the shocking-wedding-plan (as I’ve told before, I was once not into marriage, so of course my family was shocked knowing that I suddenly wanted to get married) talk immediately.

We originally wanted to get married this year, but my family didn’t agree, so we have to respect what they want as well. Still, the date is a problem. We haven’t fixed the date of the wedding, as my dad intends to discuss the ‘good date’ with some elderly family members in my hometown (Kuningan, West Java) first. I do respect my family, but discussing a good date of a wedding in most of Indonesian

families means doing some ‘superstition rituals’ that I don’t even know the names. That’s what I’m worried about. I don’t want any superstitious stuff to be involved in my wedding—it isn’t allowed in my religion as well.

Well, there are some worries that I feel, frankly speaking: (1) my future husband and I have come up with late April 2009 (that has been compromised on my brother’s coming home to Pontianak), but when I told this to my dad, he didn’t take the idea seriously; (2) even until now, to my observation, my dad hasn’t done anything on the good date searching—guess he hasn’t contacted these mysterious elderly people either (hopefully never, so that I won’t have to the deal with any sort of superstition).

FYI, my man and I thought out of April 24th, 2009. April 22nd is, you all must already know, Earth Day (and my birthday—the 25th in 2009), so I think it’d be special to have an eco-wedding close to the special ‘eco-day’ (and close to my birthday). But we choose the 24th since it falls on Friday. In my religion, without underestimating other days on a week, Friday is a ‘good’ day in which God gives more blessings than on any other days—and this ain’t superstition at all. So you get the point on the date selection, I suppose.

It has been quite a while I didn’t have a wedding chat with my dad, so I guess Persuasion 101 is still badly needed. Anyway, the most probable solution on fixing the date is to make both of families (from my and my future husband’s sides) meet and have a further talk on that (plan to do that on mid 2008).

PS: our planning an environmentally-friendly wedding IS also a problem for my family (why is it only my family that’s always ‘against’ us?). But I’ll talk about that later.