Let’s Get Political
Jul 13th, 2007 by Sharon
Of all the things that I knew would be contentious about my wedding (the absence of meat, the absence of religion…) the last thing I expected to stir people up was my wedding registry. Like many couples, we’ve lived together for some time and instead of registering for household items, opted to register through a charity site called Changing The Present.
I hardly know any married couples, so before I encountered this website I turned to a forum at a more “traditional” wedding site. I posted a query: when can I expect people to start using my registry, and how should I handle guests who decide to bring us tangible gifts anyway, as we don’t want a gift table at the reception.
Seems innocuous enough, right? Apparently not. I was told that it was offensive to “force” people to contribute to charity. (Didn’t realize I had a gun to people’s heads.) I was accused of being overly political and my favorite phrase of the day: “Your wedding should not be used as a fundraiser.”
Now I have no objection to traditional registries (particularly those couples I’ve seen out there registering for more eco-friendly items.) But aren’t all registries “fundraisers” in some sense? For the record, we did indicate that gifts were not necessary, but that if people really wanted to give them, this was our preference. We also chose causes that we didn’t think would be divisive. Are there really people out there who are anti-literacy?
What gets me though, is that even as I re-tell this story here, I find myself having to defend the decision and my beliefs. Really the point I should be making is: You can be political at your wedding if you want to be! My fiance and I are political people who’ve never made any attempts to hide our beliefs. Our values are what drew us together in the first place - why shouldn’t they be integrated into our wedding?
Perhaps having an opinion does not befit the blushing bride. Naysayers will call me anti-romantic and say that weddings are about love and devotion. Of course they are. But my beloved and devoted fiance and I recently went to City Hall to get our government-sanctioned marriage license.
Like it or not, marriage is also a political act. If we’re going to make that commitment I think it’s about time that we started talking about ALL aspects of marriage, and not just the ones on the cover of bridal magazines. What do you think, ethical brides and grooms? Agree? Disagree? Let me know!
I agree! Your wedding is about celebrating your love and what is important to the two of you, and if giving to charity is important to you, that should be celebrated too. That is so rude for you to be told those things in my opinion. We registered through the I Do Foundation, which essentially forces people to give to charity whenever they buy a gift for us, so ha! Seriously though, if anyone had a problem with us doing that, I would say ok then, don’t get us a gift. It’s ridiculous that their attitude about this is turning such a potentially joyous and generous act into a negative thing by saying you are being too political. I could go on and on but I won’t. I just wanted to say that it angers me that you were told those things.
Thanks for your support! I never thought that planning a wedding could be so contentious, but it seems like people get riled up over the silliest, most unpredictable things. I won’t name the forum where I got those responses, but I’ll also note that the same website, under its “etiquette” section says that it’s ok to serve fish to vegetarians. I could go off and write a whole other entry about how warped I think wedding etiquette is.
Good for you. Don’t worry about what anyone else is saying. It sounds like you and your intended are caring, charitable people. Weddings are changing and I don’t think a change like this is bad. Some of your guests will do exactly what they want to do anyway and present you with a crystal gravy boat, but I imagine most will see this as a true representation of you and your fiancé and will happily contribute to your suggested charities. Best wishes to the two of you!
One of the ONLY things I have read on those other bridal websites (brides.com, etc…) or in the various vomit-inducing magazines I’ve had the pleasure to peruse that I actually agreed with was the suggestion of using charitable donations as your wedding favour. i.e., on the place card you can mention that a such and such a dollar amount has been donated on your behalf by the couple. I thought this was very sweet and something I’d appreciate much more than disgustingly purple jordan almonds. How, pray tell, is this less political, less of a “fundraiser” than asking for people to donate on your behalf?
I love the idea of using a charity as a registry.
Matthia, you’re totally right. The only problem I have with donations as favors is that the recipient has no choice in the matter. I know my fiance was a little annoyed that a donation was made in his name at a cousin’s wedding to a Catholic charity, considering he’s an Atheist.
That being said, we’re now less than 3 weeks away form the wedding and only one friend (a bridesmaid) has used the charity registry. I’d honestly rather get no gifts than have people show up with things we don’t want at the wedding. But I don’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s a dilemma, but not particularly important in the grand scheme.
Thanks for the support, everyone!
I guess if you do receive any unwanted gifts, you can still be grateful for gesture, as you could donate them to charity or sell them via ebay and donate the profits to charity