ethicalweddings.com

My dad came to see me the other week to help with my accounts (interpret: do them for me because I’m lazy) and while he was here I asked if he wanted to see The Venue.

Given the choice of that or a million receipts for 80p which all need logging and filing somewhere - anywhere! - it seemed like the more interesting option. So we spent a horribly eco-bad hour sitting in rush hour traffic between Brighton and Lewes and finally got to our lovely little country pub in Barcombe and he seemed to like it but was very worried about the chairs.

A few days later my mother visited, and naturally she had to see it as well. On route she tells me Dad had called her and said he was very worried about the chairs. Mum said we could get chair covers.

I said, “what in God’s name are you all talking about you mental people? We’re getting married, not having a chair fashion parade”. Well I didn’t. I said that in my head.

Mum and Charlie (her husband) were relatively impressed with our beautiful little country pub and marquee and riverside locale, and started talking about food and toiletry requirements and toastmasters and first dances. In my head, I was saying this: “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh”.

That evening, Toby’s mother called. “I’ve decided to interfere,” she said. And she did.

It was about this point that I decided I wasn’t going to do it. Any of it. No chair covers, no toastmaster, no stupid bloody favours and definitely no first dances. No way Jose.

I sat Toby down and told him “no way Jose” and he said “thank God!” and we set about planning the wedding we actually want to have - not the little country pub wedding we thought we should have.

Re-planning everything was pretty easy to do, especially since we hadn’t really done a lot in the first place. I always said I was going to have a wedding like in the back of the Asterix books, with the outdoor banquet and bonfire, and a bard tied to a tree. So we have begun hunting for a field with a suitable tying-bard-to tree.

We also found these guys www.beautifulworldtents.co.uk, and even though it is way over our budget, knew straight away we had to have one. It’s perfect, and they have a great ethical policy too.

Toby is determined we’ll eat bangers and mash (Ashdown Forest wild boar bangers, natch) and my dad and Sarah (his wife) live half the year in France, so are charged with carting back huge mountains of booze on their travels. Nicely eco, since the journeys would be happening anyway.

We’re going to get Firefly Solar to power the whole thing, have our friends’ bands play - and that’s it. A field, a tent, some food, some wine, some music and all the people we love, especially each other. Unfussy, eco, and very, very us.

Chair covers? Pfft.